Pain

No one can understand that pain that I feel everyday.  Not just from losing Steve but feeling so alone.  Yes I have lots of friends and and I love them very much.  But that doesn't take away the emptiness that I feel in my heart everyday.  The loneliness is so hard.  I went from being with the same man every day for 21 years to it only being me.  It's only me in my bed every night when I go to sleep and only me when I wake up.   It's only me when I have a bad day and when I cry.  I don't have that shoulder to cry on and those arms wrapped tightly around me telling me it's going to be ok.  It's not going to be ok.  I'm not ok.  I smile to hide my pain.  My pain is there and it's real.   I hate it when people tell me that it's not meant to be.  That doesn't take away my pain.  I need someone to take away my pain and hurt.

This really sucks

So my therapist suggested I start a blog to help me.  And one of the many things I say every week is this sucks so bad. It sucks that I lost the person that I have loved for 21 years and my boys lost their dad.  It sucks that I cry at the most inopportune times.  I know people must look at me like I'm crazy and some days I feel crazy.  Yesterday I cried while eating lunch with friends.  This month I think I have cried every day.  I want this pain that I feel to go away.  I don't want to feel the loneliness and heartache anymore.   People have told me it looks like I'm doing good and they like seeing me happy.  I'm not happy and you can fake a smile and happiness.  But when I get home I can be me.  I can be sad and not do anything.  There are so many days that I don't want to get out of bed and go to work.  All I want to do is lay around and be sad.  If I never had to leave my house again I think I would be ok because some days it's hard to face the world.  When I moved from my old house I was excited because I thought it would be good for me to start new in my moving forward.  But I don't feel that way. I have crap laying around my house and I don't care.  I don't want to put anything away.   I don't care what my house looks like because no one will see it anyway.  It's so unfair that Steve is gone and never coming back.  It's unfair that my family is no longer whole.  It's unfair that we have gaping holes in our hearts that will never be fixed. It's unfair that I never get to spend another day with him.  It's unfair that I never got to say goodbye to him and tell him I love him because I was being a stubborn bitch.  It's unfair that I will feel like I let him down forever and that I have let my boys down too.  It's unfair that I'm falling apart inside.